Kinda shagged after TIP prac today. Omg, I've really had enough of Artemis & Ares fac dances! To think that we'll still have to go through them a thousand more times before we leave for Taiwan is really... idk, groan-worthy? Haha. I mean, it's quite fun dancing together but not when I still can't figure out the moves after so many practices... Like I look quite stupid when everyone can do the movements well but I can't understand how to execute them.

Quite a few people made my day today, in their little ways. (: And although _____ is still bugging me incessantly, I guess sweating it out during dance pracs and worrying about other immediate concerns did manage to somewhat take my mind off it.

/

I've been giving you the power to hurt me again and again.

It cuts so deep it hits your soul, it tears your skin and makes your blood flow, it kicks so hard it breaks your bones. If love was easy it won't be meaning anything, no.

Class chalet was mostly tiring and frustrating with few good moments for me. Night cycling was ridiculous but who can be surprised at the absurdity seeing that the supposed organiser is the famed and responsible Welfare Rep? It isn't any fun pedalling so hard on the bike for such long distances which we weren't exactly prepared for since our awesome Welfare Rep hadn't made it clear that we're in fact making a pointless journey to a dead end.

So... everyone has abrasions and/or muscle aches and/or bruises from night cycling, but amidst the foot cramps, strained backs, shoulders ready to detach themselves, and aching legs, there was something mildly amusing about the collective suffering of 09S69, especially when everyone starts groaning when we're getting back on the bikes to travel to Macs for breakfast.

Sleeping arrangements were quite bad too, and at different points of time there were different groups of people making too much noise for the others to fall asleep. I've lost track of how many times I said "SHHH!!!" or "Eh keep quiet leh!" (+ several variations); I was immensely irritated lol.

Unlike most chalets, we didn't have a BBQ for dinner so we ended up travelling out to have steamboat (which was quite decent, I must concede, but made me feel extremely nauseous after that... could have been the ice cream). Now I feel that every chalet won't be complete without a BBQ.

Weeteck please bring more music for your guitar next time so we won't have to keep singing those few songs... Hahah.

I must say, there were some funny, some endearing, and some extremely unexpected moments, that still will make this chalet unforgettable for me despite some of the screwups.

/

Maybe it's time for miracles, because I ain't giving up on you, and I ain't giving up on us.  Even with your many lies I find myself drawn back for some strange reason. Tell me what the hell does it mean, when you say and do all those things, when you alternate between several extremes? Presently I have no idea what I'm supposed to do and feel and think. Perhaps I could ask you to "go for it" even if I really don't want to. Perhaps I could put everything on the back of my mind and shut you out of my life forever even if I may not be able to. Perhaps I could make things easier for you by ____________ but that'd be too painful, you see. How close should we distance ourselves?

Don't be predisposed to think that everyone harbours ill intentions, or that a wrongdoing or two means that that person is really incorrigible. I really think that certain Hwachong teachers need to give this a lot of thought; it's seldom that I question an educator's integrity and character, much less someone who is of higher authority than the average teacher. Don't abuse your authority, please.

I was reading Postsecret yesterday, and came across a few secrets that really struck me. One was by someone who used to be a sex offender, one was by someone who knew an ex-sex offender, and another was by someone who was sexually violated in the past.

From their exchange on the website, I remembered one line the most: that we are more than our mistakes. We may be judged by how we were at our worst, or defined by the worst that has happened to us, but most importantly there will always be at least one person who realises that we are more than that. That we should be remembered for being strong and for making the effort to learn from our mistakes and change ourselves.

My image to others may have been largely cemented by what happened when I was Sec 1 or 2, but it's up to you to find out if I've changed, to not be a coward and admit that you've been wrong about me, and to change your perception of me.

Stay true yourself and don't stray just because someone, somewhere, is judging you.

/

OH YES.

Happy 17th Birthday, Danette!

Stay small and cute and smart and capable and nice. (:

/

(Okay writing all that brings back bad memories. Fuck...)

I'm looking forward to Dec31-Jan1 aka New Year Countdown! Haha okay I realised that sounded like I have a lot of plans for that night, but nah I don't I just like countdowns. And Feb 2010 please come quickly! (winkwink!) (: (: (:

Utter bullshit.

Today was an awfully slow day. Attendance for TIP was horrible so we didn't do much except to sit around and listen to music (okay that's for me, other people were doing other similarly stone-y things). And after that we cancelled the PW meeting too.

We are very much running out of time for TIP. Only a few people are feeling the sense of urgency; I'm not exactly not co-operating but I really do have my reasons for refusing to dance, lol. You see, attendance is so poor that there were only 3 guys today dancing, I don't know who I'm partnering for the dance, Shumei is MIA (argh!!), and someone is constantly nagging and implying that I have zilch knowledge and familarity with the dance so I'll screw up majorly if I don't go practise now (which is not true at all).

It's strange how empty the school was today, because normally Saturday will still see some degree of scurrying, for CCA, A Levels, Project Work, or certain school programmes. But I kinda like how quiet it was, just that I'd like to spend the time in this newfound peace with the correct person, hahah.

On another note, I seem to be developing apathy and/or aversion towards many things and people (haha this reminds me of PW) recently. For the most part, I feel out of touch - and I'm not doing much about it. Unfortunately, this doesn't feel like "just a phase", and I don't seem to be able to snap out of it anytime soon. Noooo!! I don't want to be this cynical or critical all the time.

Anyway, John Mayer is mesmerising me once again (haha) and he's igniting my almost-sizzled-off love for guitar players and singers. Hehe. Oh yeah my shoe craze is returning OHMAN what bad timing.

Haha.

Bye, enjoy your night. (:

I always get very easily stressed by the mildest of things that aren't even important to most people. Such as the HSK Chinese Test thingy last year; I panicked for damn long about it then realised when I was sitting for the paper that it was super lame and easy. Although many people are quite stressed about OP, I think I'm experiencing about tenfolds the average amount of stress? I keep worrying about a lot of stuff and I'm not even sure if my worries are unfounded or not. What if I screw up majorly??! What if I stutter? What if I burst out laughing out of nervousness? What if I accidentally swear when I forget my lines? What if I have this really long, awkward silence while I try to recall my script? What if I have absolutely no idea how to answer the questions they pose??!

Why is OP such a huge component of PW? ): And I'll be presenting tomorrow! Alone! Because I didn't present today with my group 'cause of my throat. Haiya, this is sad.

Oh yeah. Tomorrow is HC's last day of the term. (: We end school earlier than others, like those who end on 29nov! Haha! ^^

omg! I'm damn scared for OP! ): Especially the Q&A section!!

I have no idea how I'm gonna memorise those huge chunks of text man...... Die.

Anyw, photosphotosphotos! All happily taken from Sheila's and Xinyu's facebook.

"Hell"oween at Escape Theme Park on 31 Nov:

Group photo!

(clockwise from left) Mel Ho the hamburger monster -.-", Jiayu, Tammy, Tenille the Farm Girl?, Me, Xinyu, Sheila the Cheerleader...

E! Go figure. Hahahaha.

Xinyu's face! Hahaha nice.

Best photo of the night because Sheila's face is cut off.

There were plenty of such props around and they look quite scary in the dark with the creepy lights. This photo doesn't look scary because the camera had flash. (:

Jump! Jiayu, Sheila, Melissa, Me with face very sadly blocked, Chinsian, Tenille.

Jumpjump! Now with Melissa's face happily blocked.. Hahaha sorry.

Retarded shots. Sheila, Melissa and Tenille are running in the air. -_-"

Farm Girl highfives Hamburger Monster while the fake cheerleader cheers them on.

Guess who I was brooding over? Hahah.

OMG Chinsian is almost blending in with the background.

Dinner at KFC -_-". Without Sheila, Tenille and Melissa.

On the bus with Xinyu's jacket. Ehhhh this is like one of the few decent shots from the 100000000 attempts hahaha.

Jiayu, Chinsian, me! On the bus again. As you can see, it was raining quite heavily outside.

Escape's entrance. Sooooo many people!

With some random ride in the background.

Ehhhh NICE HAIR, Xinyu! ^^ NICE FACE, Chinsian! (:

Some kids sporting costumes..

Xinyu! Husband and Wife, lovelove! Hehe.

Winners of the Family Coaster screaming contest. HAHAHAHA.

NICE ONE, Melissa.

Chinsian! Monitress of 410 '08 (:

Wearing Chinsian's witch hat! Not very obvious in the dark, though.

Hat hat hat.

Tenille.

Without Chinsian, and almost without Tammy (at the back).

Tenille's makeup so obvious here!

Crash their Pufferfish photo!!

Join in in their Pufferfish photo!

Group Pufferfish photo! Quite ugly la actually. Hahaha.

I realised we took a lot of random group photos lol... This one shows Chinsian's failed attempt at putting her face into the photo but failing terribly hence resulting in only one quarter of her face in an awkward angle at the bottom left hand corner.

Xinyu's face v funny!!

On one of the rides. Sheila and Melissa are in the dark dark background so try spotting them.

With Tenille~.

Chinsian crashes.

Say, "AARHH!"

Jiayu, Tammy, Tenille, me, Chinsian, some weird girl in a scary getup, Xinyu, Melissa, Sheila the failed cheerleader.

Failed jumpshot.

Almost successful! But Melissa's face blocked by me again hahahaha.

Chinsian, Jiayu, Melissa. -_-""

Final group shot!

And that sums up the mini 410 Halloween outing! Hehe. To those who missed it: JEALOUS????

/

Oh crap, still got OP...

Very scared. Very scared. Very scared. ):

Sex And The City and cream puffs cheer me up; PW does the opposite.

So many people are applying for H3 that it's giving me a complex. As if mediocrity wasn't bad enough, I have to deal with feeling like inferior shit now. ):

Argh I want a different body. And a different face. Oh, and a better brain.

Events Mgmt Workshop tomorrow morning-afternoon, then Halloween Sec 4 class outing at night! Whee!~

------------

Stop doing that.

Festival of Sports 09 was so exciting to watch! Haha an unsporty person like me obviously didn't participate in any of the games, but yeap still nice to see so many people pia until like that hahaha and there were a lot of cool moves on the courts. And damn fun to watch _____ and ____ (Tenille, hahahhaha). Tenille finally has an eyecandy already, smmore she kept looking over at him. *tsk* tenille...!!

Hehe and MY LOVE was damn cool. HAHA. LOVELOVELOVE.

-_-"

Yeap anyway FOS has rekindled my old love for a certain sport. Hahaha sounds kinda weird to say it here so I shan't.

Okay today is Flirting Day... especially seeing how enthusiastic the exchanges between Tenille and the fishtank uncles were. Hmmm.

Oh yeah, yay for ELL! Happy happy. I finally have a Promos paper that I can be proud of.

Anyway contrary to how this post has been so far, today has actually been a pretty sucky day. Or at least I think that FOS & ELL aren't happy enough occasions to make me forget the sad things that happened today. Okayyyy I think I'm being too sensitive but I can't help it.

It sucks to be friendzoned like this. And I think I'm over-interpreting all their little actions and words - it's just a friendly gesture, so why do I feel so jealous?! And it sucks even more that I can't say anything about this to anyone because of many many reasons.

Like honestly I can never, ever be like her so why am I even entertaining such thoughts?

So what if it hurts me; so what if I break down.

Ok stupid thoughts are coming back now time to bid farewell!

BYEBYE.

You can go;

You can start all over again;

You can hide;

You can hold all your feelings inside;

And maybe,

Someday,

We'll figure all this out;

We'll live our lives out loud;

We'll be better off somehow,

Someday.

You can try to find another mistake

Or

You can shine a little light on everything around you.

Because sometimes we don't

Really notice just how good it can get.

So maybe we should start all over,

Start all over again.

=======

The past few days may have been, in others' eyes, distressing for me; well perhaps it was, but in the process I also had found something - no, someone - else in me and it was honestly the best two days of my life, albeit in a small, awkward, unthinkable way. Another thing is that I managed to see who really mattered to me, and who I really mattered to - THANK YOU and MUCH LOVE to all who helped and supported me. I've never been good with words so I don't know what else to say, but be assured that I'm extremely grateful to you guys - especially Tenille and Xinyu!! (: You two are the bestest of the best! Haha.  Loveloveloves. (:

Also, thank you Danette, Jasmine, Yizhuang, Shumei, Melvin, Youhao, and any others who showed concern and offered to help.

Lastly, sorry if I've been unexpectedly MIA, yep. For PW and Operation Smile especially.

Discovering new limits, encountering refreshing kindness, exploring new grounds and conquering old fears - (teehee). They sound pretty cheesy, and you may see them as cheap thrills, but I take comfort in them. Heck, I take pride in them.

===========

Anyway, it's job-hunting period. CHIONG AH!!!!!!!!!!

I must keep myself as busy as possible to keep my mind off ______ ___ and ______ ________.

Oh, and my Promos results suck.

Stay positive and healthy!

(:

I can never understand why "God" had to be male. I mean, if this God from the Bible does exist, and if he is male, then... all right. But what if we never really knew God's gender and the decision on whether God should be a male or female was largely based on the fact that society then was more or less patriarchal? As in, what if God is really a She, or perhaps even gender-less, and the early followers just assumed that such a great, omniscient being must be a He because at that age it was unthinkable that a female could have created the world, created us, or sent Jesus Christ for our salvation?

(Okay I'm not very good with the Bible so I may have messed up or left out some facts; this is just from my probably limited point of view.)

As I was saying... why are God and Jesus Christ portrayed as males? Perhaps you can say that Mother Mary played an important role too and, hey, she's a female; but it somehow just pales in comparison to the more significant roles of the males, imo.

This is all assuming the Biblical God does exist, which is a possibility that I'm, uh, still open to, but this is just one of the many, many questions I have about the Bible that stops me from subscribing to Christianity (or any form of religion with somewhat fixed teachings). My countless doubts may be pretty pointless and some may roll their eyes at me for wondering about them, but until someone answers all my questions I think I'm remaining an agnostic. Or possibly become an atheist, if anything in the future steers me towards that.

Hmm. I think everyone just scrolls past my wordy entries especially when I'm musing like this. =P Well, regardless... I may be rambling or entertaining some childish or meaningless thoughts, but I'm not going to stop even if it turns people away from my blog.

*furrows brows*

In fact my attempts at penning (well, typing) down my thoughts always end up pretty much fail, so I'm not sure why I keep doing this too. It's like I have some "Aha!" moments which gradually wither down to "Um.. Okay... never mind..." once I try to blog about them and my ego is deflated once again when I realise that all I ever do is come up with random silly thoughts that don't really matter.

Ok anyway I've turned to watching Sex And The City in desperate attempts to fill up the boring void of days that seems to be getting more and more degenerating.

And I must watch A Christmas Carol!!! Ooooh, Jim Carrey is voicing Ebenezer Scrooge! For those who don't know, it's a film adaptation of Charles Dickens' story of the same title, and A Christmas Carol, albeit quite a dark tale, has always been one of my Charles Dickens favourites since young!!

Omg damn happy hahaha Jim Carrey will be saying "Bah, Humbug!". *twirls around*